I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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