I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
