How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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