Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
