How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
