Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
