I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
