the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
