there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
