Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
