Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
