i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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