how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
