So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Im part way to drunk.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
