Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
