Yo dont text me then not text me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
