i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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