Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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