The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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