If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
