theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
