I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
