You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
