i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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