FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
