Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize