I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
