you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize