why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
