Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
