Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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