The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My breasts were aching with rage.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
