got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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