I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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