capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I need to calm my uterus...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
