3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
