It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
