I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
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