I think I won the penis lottery.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
