I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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