Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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