I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
