I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
