Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
