Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
