I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize