just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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