she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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