We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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