The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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