I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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