I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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