Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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