i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
