i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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