Your tits are I can't wait for
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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