If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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